good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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