Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
