Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
