I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
