In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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