That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
