I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
