Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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