i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
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