i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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