I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
