so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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