Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
