listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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