My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
