i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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