can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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