Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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