god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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