someone threw a dead crab at me
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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