took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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