Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
