Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
