hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
