Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
