Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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