my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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