Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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