One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
