and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
