drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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