The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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