how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
