I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
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