dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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