I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Randomize
