I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
