John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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