please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
