HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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