just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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