How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
