I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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