I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
