I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
