I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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