just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
