She went from zero to smokin in five shots
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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