im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
