I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
