just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
