I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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