Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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