So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
