We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
